Taking a REAL step forward

So over the past few days I have been putting my house in order so I can start focusing on new challenges that are important to me to get started.  Some of the clutter that I have needed to get out of the way is to literally de-clutter my house.  Over the past month I have been slowly, but surely going through each room and brutally deciding to get rid of things that we don’t need to hold onto.  I got to got through my entire garage for the first time since we moved in over 5 years ago, so that was awesome.  Now my third car garage has only our bikes and the things I will be getting rid of in a garage sale Saturday and then off to a thrift store with the remainder.  It is SOOOOO liberating to be rid of the extra baggage.  The only thing I have left to do to finish this organizing is to re-sort all the kids’ clothes and get them stored away. 

I have also focused on planning better.  I started small, first by planning out each day in increments, not trying to have the whole day mapped out, just a general idea of how I want it to go and then take that list and chip away at it in several hour increments so that I don’t get overwhelmed and give up.   Then, if I have a moment of weakness where I sit and do nothing but watch TV, it doesn’t mean I haven’t done something with the rest of the day, not a total loss.  This has helped me move on to the plan the whole day and even have a general idea for my entire week.  I have to admit that my to do list that I start with in the beginning of the week or day never gets very far by the end, but I am making a difference.  This has helped me gain some confidence in my abilities to start trying to tackle larger goals. 

I have been disappointed over the past long while at my inability to set a goal and see it through.  I have felt so bogged down with emotional baggage that I was just in survival mode.  Having to be “slower” in my life during the pregnancy gave me a chance to reflect, to search myself and why I was feeling so bogged down.  After I had Abram I was forced to stay in that slower state to heal after the surgery and I realized that it was only temporary.  At the time it feels like eternity, but eventually the difficulty will pass.  I believe in happy endings you see and so I know that no matter how horrible things get, it WILL get better sometime.  Being forced to slow down helped me accept this on such a deeper plane that I feel empowered to add onto my load. 

So one thing that I have decided upon getting back to (like an insane person) is to get back to seeking my degree.  I have been going to college off and on since I graduated high school.  I cannot wait any longer to get it finished.  I have put off finishing my degree for so many things, first it was my mission, and then it was to get married, and the rest of the time my kids have been my excuse.  I was fully prepared to use the “I have a new baby so I won’t go back to school for a while” excuse until after I actually had Abram.  That was when I realized the time for me to do this is here and now.  I know it will be hard and slow going, but BS or BA in Mathematics here I come!

The other thing that I am super excited about getting back into is exercising and training for races.  I spent so many years making up excuses as to why I didn’t have time to make the ironman dream happen:  no time to train, I can do it next month, my kids need me at home, I have to work to help support the family, and even, I need to focus on school.  Then when I couldn’t exercise for medical reasons I realized I missed working out.  About September, when I was still not healed up enough to exercise, but knowing it was just around the corner that I was going to be able to, I started longing to go to the gym to lift weights, get out and walk/jog/run, start swimming again and especially I wanted to get back on the bike.  I have started walking a little.  The first day I did I walked 2 miles and I was tired and sore when I finished.  I was shocked at how much I have lost in terms of stamina and strength.  I didn’t walk any kind of fast and it is flat ground…I have my work cut out for me! 

Today I took another step and went to the gym to do some yoga.  It was great to walk in there again.  Can I tell you I did not get to finish the session because I forgot to bring a pacifier for Abram!  But to be completely real, I was so glad when they came and got me about 20 minutes into the hour-long session…I could barely do anything!  I am super tight and have lost so much muscle tone that I honestly don’t remember the last time I had it so rough trying to start an exercise regimen.  I think I am officially in the worst shape of my life.  Knowing this I have set myself a goal, SOMA half-ironman next October.  Am I out of my mind?  Yeah I probably am, but I am thrilled to have this goal because even though it is currently so COMPLETELY out of my capabilities I know I am going to do it.  This is going to be AWESOME!!!

First thing I did after deciding to just go for the half was to look online and find a training program.  The one that I was using before is probably what I will be using again; it is a 20-week program.  This means that I will need to start on it end of May, beginning of June.  Good to know.  When I look at the plan I will need to be able to handle being on a bike for 90 minutes, swim for 45 and run (jog for me) for 50 minutes.  Currently I have difficulty walking more than 20 minutes at a slow pace, and I can't handle the warm up phase of a yoga workout.  This should be fun. J I am going to ask again, do you think I am totally insane?  I hope I am, because I don’t think any sane person would be able to pull this off, and I AM GONNA.  Is that real enough?  Maybe not realistic, nope, but very real. 

Reality

When I started this blog I had high hopes of being an inspiration to people, possibly even some I didn’t know.  I was looking forward to sharing a super exciting and realistic journey of mine towards completing an ironman triathlon.  When I found out I was pregnant shortly afterwards I was determined to not have the blog become all about that, but with the stress that I started to be under I could hardly think of anything else, so I stopped blogging because I couldn’t think of anything positive or witty to write about.  Since having my baby I have avoided writing because I felt I needed to have something really important to say in order to write.  Over the past week though I have been feeling like this idea that each post has to be “perfect” and super well written (like something that could possibly go viral) is counterproductive to my original goal.  Life happens and I have realized that my reality is what I need to document.  If no one else reads my posts at least I hope I will be able to look back on my journey and know that I have actually gone somewhere over the course of time.  Because of this I have decided to write when I can squeeze it into my schedule, not worry so much about content or length or some kind of universe altering jibber jabber, but to write what I am doing, thinking or feeling.  I am going to make a journal of my journey, for the good or for the bad.

So with that in mind I want to first quickly update on the whole heart thing.  I had an MRI and when I went into see the doctor for the results I fully thought I would be getting instructions on how to prepare for a surgery to fix the PDA.  The visit turned out to be a bit anticlimactic.  Though the news that my PDA isn’t big and has not caused any additional problems to my heart and thus does not require surgery at this point is good news, I have to admit I was a little disappointed.  I had hoped that surgery would allow me to experience a change in my physical well-being.  The cardiologist thinks that my out-of-breath-when-exercising thing is because I am overweight.  He never said so much in words, but you can get a feeling for these things.  So now I will just have annual echos to check the heart and when (maybe a slight chance of if) things start to go south with my heart, that is when they will do something about it. 

Because of this slight good news disappointment I have decided to go ahead with my ironman plans and when (not if) I am moving along strong in this goal and I still have trouble feeling like I can’t push myself to my true limits, even though I should be in a good enough physical condition, I will go to the doctor and say…something needs to be done, and/or I get a second opinion, but I do feel like I need to prove to myself at least that it isn’t just because of my weight.

Speaking of my weight I have recently also decided that I need to own up to my obesity.  It is really hard for me to say that about myself.  I really don’t like the current definition of obesity (using the BMI I think is a load of dung), but no matter how you slice it I am more than just overweight.  I was able to keep my pregnancy weight under 250 (249) J and I successfully dropped weight after this one (phew!), but I am still wearing my “fat” clothes and instead of trying to deny it, I need to face it and own it.  I have had 4 kids and that takes a toll on the body, I am not one of those women who is able to kick it into gear after babies and lose that baby weight, or most of it.  I feel like part of that is because I have been so embarrassed by the way I look for SO long (pretty much since 8^th grade).  I have a very unhealthy self image and that isn’t going to go away overnight, but I feel like admitting to that is going to be my first step to accepting myself, and when I accept myself I am going to be all that more likely to make a positive change.

I have always felt like for me it isn’t about what the scale says.  I want to find a healthy lifestyle that I can maintain indefinitely.  Right now I am trying to define what that means.  Does it mean a specific diet or specific exercise routines or a combination?  Does it mean loving who I am no matter what?  I kind of hope I can achieve some level of all of that, especially the loving myself.  If I can do that then I can be a positive influence on my children, probably other family and friends and yes, maybe even strangers.  Here’s to the next chapter in this crazy journey.  Here's to being REAL!