Marching to the Beat of My Own Drum

I love writing my blog!  I have found that I am more inclined to think deeply, really ponder about my life more than I have in a very long time.   I think about where I am headed so much more than just worrying about what I didn’t get done yesterday, and by doing this kind of thinking I am ready to do more today to help myself get there.  As I was driving around running errands this week I was doing some of this deeper thinking (something new for me because before I would just kind of not think at all).

My thoughts began with me thinking about how to make exercise and healthy eating more of a priority, then I started wondering why I was having such a hard time with it, then I started thinking about a conversation I had with Brad that was a little bit of a mind jump.  We were discussing dreams we’ve had for ourselves since we were very little.  One of mine, that I have NO control over, is that I have wanted to have twins ever since I could understand the concept of motherhood.  Brad wanted to grow up to be a millionaire.  That is something he has some control over and can really work towards.  So I thought of another one of my since-elementary-school-goals and remembered how I wanted to be famous, but for something that was different than most famous people.  At times it was to be an artist or a great scientist or the like, but it was always that I wanted to be unique, rare.

Then in my thought process I began thinking of the times that I determinedly showed my individuality.  In Junior High I focused on dressing different than everybody else, (it was the late 80’s mind you), trying desperately to stand out.  My forearms were completely covered with watches and friendship bracelets, more than the rest of the school combined.  I was always proud of the fact that I was the only Kae around.  No one in any of my schools ever had that name, not even spelled Kay or Kaye.  Another fantastic nod to my resolve to be unique had to do with my wedding.  I did NOT want a reception, and I wanted my wedding day to be mine.  So I had a barbeque at the local park the night before I got hitched, I was wearing overalls, my cake was mostly rice krispie treats and my dad flipped the burgers.

So as I thought about all these things I realized that I have not held true to this idea of uniqueness over the last several years.  I have been marching to the beat of other people’s drums.  As a mother I have been trying to follow the “ideal” mom idea.  As the housekeeper I have thought I needed to have my house “just so” in order to be like everyone else.  As far as my workouts and nutrition have gone I have more or less followed what everyone else says is best.  I have become one of the masses moving towards some direction, but not paid attention to where it is going.

I am not saying that being a person that likes to follow the mainstream is bad, it just isn’t who I really am.  I used to be the person who saw the destination and looked for the “path less traveled” or would blaze my own trail.  Instead I have become like one of the cattle that is just being pushed along, like I said I haven’t even been watching too much of where I am headed.  I have voiced in past years that I feel lost; I think it is because I am not doing things my own way.

When I had this thought I got excited.  Me writing is a way for me to do something differently, follow a unique path.  I am involving friends and possibly strangers into my process of change and growth, failure and hopefully success.  It is empowering me in a way that I didn’t realize could happen, or how much I needed it.  I am going to use this renewed acceptance of my need to be slightly off to figure out how to revive all aspects of my life so I can truly live again, not just go through the motions.  I can finally hear my drum beating off in the distance and I am going to start following it again. J