Reality

When I started this blog I had high hopes of being an inspiration to people, possibly even some I didn’t know.  I was looking forward to sharing a super exciting and realistic journey of mine towards completing an ironman triathlon.  When I found out I was pregnant shortly afterwards I was determined to not have the blog become all about that, but with the stress that I started to be under I could hardly think of anything else, so I stopped blogging because I couldn’t think of anything positive or witty to write about.  Since having my baby I have avoided writing because I felt I needed to have something really important to say in order to write.  Over the past week though I have been feeling like this idea that each post has to be “perfect” and super well written (like something that could possibly go viral) is counterproductive to my original goal.  Life happens and I have realized that my reality is what I need to document.  If no one else reads my posts at least I hope I will be able to look back on my journey and know that I have actually gone somewhere over the course of time.  Because of this I have decided to write when I can squeeze it into my schedule, not worry so much about content or length or some kind of universe altering jibber jabber, but to write what I am doing, thinking or feeling.  I am going to make a journal of my journey, for the good or for the bad.

So with that in mind I want to first quickly update on the whole heart thing.  I had an MRI and when I went into see the doctor for the results I fully thought I would be getting instructions on how to prepare for a surgery to fix the PDA.  The visit turned out to be a bit anticlimactic.  Though the news that my PDA isn’t big and has not caused any additional problems to my heart and thus does not require surgery at this point is good news, I have to admit I was a little disappointed.  I had hoped that surgery would allow me to experience a change in my physical well-being.  The cardiologist thinks that my out-of-breath-when-exercising thing is because I am overweight.  He never said so much in words, but you can get a feeling for these things.  So now I will just have annual echos to check the heart and when (maybe a slight chance of if) things start to go south with my heart, that is when they will do something about it. 

Because of this slight good news disappointment I have decided to go ahead with my ironman plans and when (not if) I am moving along strong in this goal and I still have trouble feeling like I can’t push myself to my true limits, even though I should be in a good enough physical condition, I will go to the doctor and say…something needs to be done, and/or I get a second opinion, but I do feel like I need to prove to myself at least that it isn’t just because of my weight.

Speaking of my weight I have recently also decided that I need to own up to my obesity.  It is really hard for me to say that about myself.  I really don’t like the current definition of obesity (using the BMI I think is a load of dung), but no matter how you slice it I am more than just overweight.  I was able to keep my pregnancy weight under 250 (249) J and I successfully dropped weight after this one (phew!), but I am still wearing my “fat” clothes and instead of trying to deny it, I need to face it and own it.  I have had 4 kids and that takes a toll on the body, I am not one of those women who is able to kick it into gear after babies and lose that baby weight, or most of it.  I feel like part of that is because I have been so embarrassed by the way I look for SO long (pretty much since 8^th grade).  I have a very unhealthy self image and that isn’t going to go away overnight, but I feel like admitting to that is going to be my first step to accepting myself, and when I accept myself I am going to be all that more likely to make a positive change.

I have always felt like for me it isn’t about what the scale says.  I want to find a healthy lifestyle that I can maintain indefinitely.  Right now I am trying to define what that means.  Does it mean a specific diet or specific exercise routines or a combination?  Does it mean loving who I am no matter what?  I kind of hope I can achieve some level of all of that, especially the loving myself.  If I can do that then I can be a positive influence on my children, probably other family and friends and yes, maybe even strangers.  Here’s to the next chapter in this crazy journey.  Here's to being REAL!