As I pick myself up and start back on my journey I find
myself really desiring to stop feeling the failure. True I have done 3 triathlons, some call me
crazy for doing that much, but I have always felt like my efforts haven’t been
what they could or should be. I think it
will be beneficial to examine these past efforts.
I trained pretty well for my 1st tri and felt great
afterward. I was quite discouraged at
the fact that I ended up having to walk the 5K.
We think it was the altitude difference.
Every time I would start to jog I would only last 2 or 3 steps when I
would be wheezing so hard I could barely breathe. I did push myself to run the last 10th of a
mile (cause I always like to finish my races running as hard as I can) and it
took me the good part of 15 minutes to be able to talk to anyone after.
All in all though the 1st tri was a success, so why did it
take me years to do the next one?
Pregnancy was one excuse I guess.
I signed up for the Lake Powell Tri one year, but a small injury 2
months before the race was the “reason” I backed out. When I signed up the next year I had 5 months
to prepare and I just really didn’t do any serious training until about a month
before.
My husband and sister came with me and they both did the
sprint distance. Like I said, I knew it
was going to take me 5 hours. My goal
was to complete the Olympic distance triathlon before I turned 35. I was so slow that I was finishing my 1st lap
of the swim when my sister was starting her race, I cheered her on; then she
and all but 2 swimmers beat me out of the lake.
I wanted to quit when I hit the big hill on my first pass on the bike, I
cried my way up it (as I walked along side the bike) and I wanted to curse when
I had to do it again on the 2nd loop, but the downhill portion of the course
was thrilling both times. My husband
walked the entire 10K with me, having finished his race 2nd in his age
group. My sister, after putting all our
bikes and gear in the truck, met us for the last mile. I remember looking at my watch at this point
and realizing I had 11 minutes to the 5-hour mark and I wanted to squeak in
under it, so I ran the last half-mile. I
don’t know my exact time, but it was under the 5 hours.
Does that count as a success? I don’t know, afterward I always felt like I did give it my all during the race, I
enjoyed it immensely and felt very accomplished, but I could have done
so much more on the training. My Lake
Powell Tri last year was pretty much more of the same. I was slow, like I expected to be due to lack
of any real training, I had tons of fun during and was proud of what I did
accomplish…but…
Herein lies my pattern.
I love the thrill of the race. I
love pushing myself to do something that others feel is too hard, but I tend to
only love that feeling during the actual race.
I have a hard time enjoying the often mundaneness of training. Because of that I let other distractions take
precedence. I end up not training like I
could. I go and enjoy my race
anyway. Then afterward I feel like I
have failed because I have not given my best.
This is the pattern that I am determined to understand.
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