This past week I had the most intense dream of my life, the
kind that you wake up from sobbing. I
have had emotionally intense dreams before.
The kind that you wake up from and can feel the emotion that the dream
created for hours after. I remember more
than one time that I was mad at my husband all day because of a dream, though
usually in those situations I forget what the dream was about few days after it
happened. But I always seem to remember
the emotion that was attached. I have a
feeling this dream won’t be one of those I forget.
I think having crazy dreams has always been in my
makeup. When I was very little I was a
sleepwalker because of my nightmares.
The doctor told my parents to stop trying to wake me up and just follow
me to make sure I was safe. I eventually
grew out of the sleepwalking but nightmares continued for a while. I had one nightmare about some kind of
invasion that was a recurring dream for years.
When I was in junior high and high school I had many dreams about cute
guys and silly fights with girlfriends that I would write out often cause I
would always hope that the dreams about the cute guys would come true.
When I was beginning my pregnancy with my daughter I had a
dream about giving birth to a baby girl and I didn’t want anybody to know
yet. I found that a little odd. Brad and I don’t find out the gender of our
babies until they are born so I had to wait 9 months to find out if that was a
real dream. I had a nightmare the night
before the scheduled C-section that I was on the table having the baby, they
pulled them out and it was a boy and I didn’t want it. I woke up terrified that I was going to hate
my baby if it was another boy, even though the whole pregnancy it didn’t matter
to me what we were having. When they
shouted out the next day that baby was a girl I cried with relief.
Why can dreams have such a powerful influence on us? Those that are not pleasant and those we
don’t want to have again are nightmares that can keep us from doing many things
in life. Meanwhile, those marvelous
dreams that inspire can make us fight for new heights in our lives and really
help us reach for the stars. I don’t
really have an answer for the above question right now, but I want to follow it
up with another question. Are they just
dreams or glimpses of possible destinies?
So back to the one I had this week. When I was waking from it I became conscious
of the fact that I was sobbing, bawling almost.
I couldn’t stop, I was shaking and the tears were flowing hard. They weren’t happy tears; I was downright
devastated. So…doesn’t that make it a
nightmare? I don’t know, maybe, but
somehow I don’t think so with this one.
My dream started off with me being on vacation in Italy with
my extended family. We went to go see a
play. Afterwards they were all excited
to start “treasure” hunting in the rocks and dirt that were by where we were
staying. The “treasures” they were
looking for I classified as junk. At
this point I got frustrated because I felt like we weren’t here in this
beautiful place to look for little metal trinkets. We needed to go see the city, we were just
minutes away from Rome (one of my real life dreams to see). I started arguing with one of the members of
my family about how we needed to go see Rome.
They said it wasn’t in the plans that we were going to do mundane things
around where we were staying. I was fed
up and told them that I was not going to be this close to Rome and not go see
some of the art. I was going to go see
Bernini’s work and not going to miss out. (Side note: Gian Lorenzo Bernini was an artist in the
baroque period in Italy. His sculptures
can be seen throughout Rome and he happens to be my favorite sculptor, amazing
stuff!) At this point I turned around
and stormed off towards the city. I
didn’t look back, I was mad cause I felt like they had been dangling the dream
of seeing this art in front of me but were trying to keep me from it. As I got closer to the city I was waylaid by
some hot Italian guy that wanted to take me to dinner, cue the husband. He was on a business phone call as I passed
him, but he was there. The Italian guy
was still following me until I forcibly told him that I was in love with my
husband over there and that he needed to get a clue and go away. Nothing was going to stop me from reaching my
destination. My husband followed me,
still on the phone, to the outskirts of the city. For some reason there was a gate we had to go
through and a line to get in. As I got
closer to the front of the line I realized that they were asking for passports
in order to get in. Mine was back with
my family. I was devastated, completely
crushed. I turned away feeling like all
ambition had been destroyed. This was
the point that I woke up, having turned my back on this big dream and feeling
completely wiped of all hope.
I cried for a long time when I woke up. I felt the devastation so strongly. I luckily have a loving husband that put his
arms around me and held me tight as I dealt with the blow. I began to wonder why it impacted me so. Over the past few days I have been pondering
on that thought. Even now as I recall
the dream I can feel the emotion that it evoked. Why was not being able to see some sculptures
in a dream so devastating?
I am not a dream interpreter, nor do I know one I could
ask. As I have mulled this dream over I
have begun to wonder some things. First
off I want to put out there that I don’t think my family (meaning parents and
siblings) are in any way a hindrance to me getting out there and seeing what I
want to see. I would have to say that I
have that all on me. I have felt
strongly lately that I have only me to blame for my perceived inability to
achieve my goals. If I haven’t gotten
there it is because I haven’t done all that I can do to get there.
Also what about my husband being on a business call and not
fully engaging in the situation? Well I
will admit when he works from home I feel that way, but he tries really hard to
be a part of what we do individually and as a family. I think to me that part of my dream is just
that lately I have felt quite alone in my conquests. I have wanted to reach out for help and
support but haven’t known how and so I keep my struggles mostly to myself. This is a very lonely thing and something I
would like to eliminate. I want to
surround myself with support and also be that needed support for others.
I have been feeling that overall what this dream has done
for me is that it has opened my eyes to some deep feelings I have been
suppressing. I have lots of goals for my
life, one of the more immediate ones it that I do want to complete an ironman
triathlon. Up to this point I have been
staying “outside the city” and just concerning myself with mundane tasks, not
fighting to get in. So my take away is
that I need to stand up and get myself there.
The other take away is that when I do end up just outside the gates of
“my Rome” I need to be prepared with whatever “passport” is required to go in.
So once again I am going to refocus. I have been struggling with my rut still, but
I will get out. The only way I can do
that, though, is if I enlist help. I
need to fill my stadium with excited supporters, fans, who will cheer me on no
matter how slow I am and also who will help me stay in line and focused on the
end goal. None of us can be truly
successful in life if we turn our back on friends and family and expect to do
it all ourselves. We especially need to
make sure to remember who our biggest fans are: Jesus and His Father. When we have them on our side there is
nothing we can’t do.
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