Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through ruts. I understand the need to fail, it helps
motivate us to push forward and succeed, and without knowing what it is like to
fail we don’t really understand what it means to succeed. But a rut is like failing ALL THE TIME with
EVERYTHING for an extended period of time without any visible way to get
out. Think of the poor bowling ball that
ends up in the gutter, it will stay there until it passes by the pins without
having a chance to fulfill it’s true purpose of knocking some down. So I guess I wonder what “pins” in my life I
am going to miss by being in the gutter I feel I am in, and am I going to be
able to get into that ball return and try again? Or will I get stuck rolling
around like a dork never going anywhere again?
I had thought that the New Year was going to be my ticket
out of the rut, but after only 2 or 3 good days I found myself back, and
deeper. The excuse of first trimester
yuckiness only takes me so far, this rut is all me. The thing that I think is the hardest for me
to deal with is that I know what I should do to stop the lazy unproductiveness. Just turn off the TV, get off the couch and
do SOMETHING.
Every morning before I get out of bed I try and talk nice to
myself and plan what I want to accomplish that day. I don’t try and plan too much cause I know
that I will need a nap and I will start to feel queasy in the afternoon. So I tell myself, lets get the laundry clean
and put away today. Then after my two
older kids are off to school I plop myself in front of the TV or my computer
and stay there the rest of the day. By
the time they get home from school I am so apathetic I do nothing to help them
with homework or a snack. I use the
pregnancy excuse to not make dinner and let my husband know we need to have
leftovers. I stay put until it is time
to put the kids in bed and then I go to bed myself. Lazy good-for-nothing. I try and tell myself I can do better
tomorrow, but really I am just thinking of all the meanest things I can about
me. It cycles over and over until I am
stuck in a house with no food (cause I haven’t bothered to go shopping) where
the kitchen in clean and any room that is not much traveled but the rest is
messy.
I haven’t done anything to improve on my health like I keep
telling myself I need to. Go on a walk
today Kae, the dogs need to get out, take them to the dog park. Caleb loves riding in the bike carrier, bike
to the store for the bare essentials at least.
Go do yoga, I have an Xbox game that has a great yoga workout. Nope, I sit on the couch all day. So sit on the couch and make a plan, think
through what can be done to better the situation cause with a plan it is easier
to succeed. No thought going on, play
the mindless game on the computer while mindless TV plays in the background.
I have a pretty good idea why I am in the rut. I am stressed out. I am overwhelmed by lots of different aspects
of my life. We are passing through what
most others are these days with finances where money is tight. This is always difficult for me cause I am
not good at budgeting, it is a weakness that I can’t seem to overcome. I am also stressed over the overwhelming task
of getting my house organized. I like
things neat and tidy and due to some household projects the house is
unorganized again, I want to get it back to the way I like it, but I feel there
is so much I don’t know where to start.
Once again it is time to pull out all my paperwork and do taxes, another
stressor trying to find all my receipts.
My husband is also having his own struggles and I hate to see him
unhappy so I take that stress on too. I
let it all consume me and I turn into a veritable couch potato.
When I am at this point where I feel so overwhelmed and I
can’t seem to move forward with everything I start having a quote from the
Disney movie “Mulan” play through my head over and over. I love that movie and at the end the Emperor
of China says something that has always stuck with me, “The flower that blooms
in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” I would like to say that I find comfort in
that, but in all honesty it depresses me.
I think, “I am passing through adversity and I am definitely NOT
blooming.” I want to be the rare
beautiful flower that blooms when the going gets tough. Instead I am like an ostrich…hide my head in
the sand and the world will pass by me.
Not quite sure how to get out, I know I should just move and
do, but unfortunately that is easier said than done for me.
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