New Focus

Over the past few days I have tried to write, and I have been having writers block.  I kind of know what I want to say, but I cannot figure out how to put it all down the right way.  I get started on a path I feel is good and find myself feeling all jumbled.  Here goes and lets hope I don’t scrap this draft and start over AGAIN.

I have a bit of exciting news…drum roll please…I am pregnant for the fourth (and probably last) time.  We are thrilled of course because it is a long time coming.  Because it has taken a while this time around I was a little surprised that it happened so soon after deciding to start this blog, I figured I would have a little more time to prepare for it.  But here we are ready to add to the family in August 2013!

This has, of course, caused me to pause a bit and attempt to shift my focus a little.  I was in the process of really changing how I “ran my life” when I learned I was pregnant.  Now I have to reevaluate again so as to accommodate the new situation.  For one, I have been exhausted most of the time the past few weeks which has stifled my newfound drive to be super productive.  I get started on a project and don’t get very far before I have to have a nap or need to stop cause I am getting queasy.

I must admit that this difficulty at being as productive as I had hoped has gotten me down over the past few weeks.  I think that is one of the reasons I haven’t written, also I didn’t know what to write without spilling the beans on the pregnancy and I finally decided I couldn’t keep it in anymore.  I have decided though that I must embrace this tiredness and realize I can only do so much.  I think I am supposed to really learn the lesson of the need to SLOW DOWN since I am constantly being forced to.

I guess this seems good for this post…short…I am going to put it up so that I can say I did and hope that it spurs me to delve into this journey again, stop putting it off just because I am tired from growing a person in me. J

Marching to the Beat of My Own Drum

I love writing my blog!  I have found that I am more inclined to think deeply, really ponder about my life more than I have in a very long time.   I think about where I am headed so much more than just worrying about what I didn’t get done yesterday, and by doing this kind of thinking I am ready to do more today to help myself get there.  As I was driving around running errands this week I was doing some of this deeper thinking (something new for me because before I would just kind of not think at all).

My thoughts began with me thinking about how to make exercise and healthy eating more of a priority, then I started wondering why I was having such a hard time with it, then I started thinking about a conversation I had with Brad that was a little bit of a mind jump.  We were discussing dreams we’ve had for ourselves since we were very little.  One of mine, that I have NO control over, is that I have wanted to have twins ever since I could understand the concept of motherhood.  Brad wanted to grow up to be a millionaire.  That is something he has some control over and can really work towards.  So I thought of another one of my since-elementary-school-goals and remembered how I wanted to be famous, but for something that was different than most famous people.  At times it was to be an artist or a great scientist or the like, but it was always that I wanted to be unique, rare.

Then in my thought process I began thinking of the times that I determinedly showed my individuality.  In Junior High I focused on dressing different than everybody else, (it was the late 80’s mind you), trying desperately to stand out.  My forearms were completely covered with watches and friendship bracelets, more than the rest of the school combined.  I was always proud of the fact that I was the only Kae around.  No one in any of my schools ever had that name, not even spelled Kay or Kaye.  Another fantastic nod to my resolve to be unique had to do with my wedding.  I did NOT want a reception, and I wanted my wedding day to be mine.  So I had a barbeque at the local park the night before I got hitched, I was wearing overalls, my cake was mostly rice krispie treats and my dad flipped the burgers.

So as I thought about all these things I realized that I have not held true to this idea of uniqueness over the last several years.  I have been marching to the beat of other people’s drums.  As a mother I have been trying to follow the “ideal” mom idea.  As the housekeeper I have thought I needed to have my house “just so” in order to be like everyone else.  As far as my workouts and nutrition have gone I have more or less followed what everyone else says is best.  I have become one of the masses moving towards some direction, but not paid attention to where it is going.

I am not saying that being a person that likes to follow the mainstream is bad, it just isn’t who I really am.  I used to be the person who saw the destination and looked for the “path less traveled” or would blaze my own trail.  Instead I have become like one of the cattle that is just being pushed along, like I said I haven’t even been watching too much of where I am headed.  I have voiced in past years that I feel lost; I think it is because I am not doing things my own way.

When I had this thought I got excited.  Me writing is a way for me to do something differently, follow a unique path.  I am involving friends and possibly strangers into my process of change and growth, failure and hopefully success.  It is empowering me in a way that I didn’t realize could happen, or how much I needed it.  I am going to use this renewed acceptance of my need to be slightly off to figure out how to revive all aspects of my life so I can truly live again, not just go through the motions.  I can finally hear my drum beating off in the distance and I am going to start following it again. J

Patience

This is truly the latest virtue that I need to learn.  As a mother I have my days where I can be patient through the longest and loudest tantrums, then the days where I am at boiling point all day and it doesn’t take hardly anything for me to start whistling.  Lately I feel like I am going through one of those “growing” stages where I am getting bombarded with opportunities to show how patient I can be.  The problem with them is that it seems that when I am not doing such a good job at being patient things get harder, then I learn and stretch and just when I think I have it down I am thrown another blast of patience opportunities.

I have to admit that since my last post I have not done anything to work on my journey.  I haven’t even been able to get all my laundry put away before the next wave is around (which I know it NEVER ends, but still I thought I had it figured out).  I have had some quiet moments where I have pondered a bit about how best to begin exercising again and wanting to meal plan so we can all eat healthier, but I just haven’t really done more than think on it.

Yesterday I was at my lowest.  When I have several days of not really being able to pull myself together and I realize I haven’t gotten much done I lose all patience with myself.  The problem with losing patience with myself is that I start to become very lazy and very self-destructive.  I spent the day in front of the TV watching NOTHING.  This is what I do when I can’t be patient with myself.  I need to learn that I don’t have to be constantly on the go all day every day, it is ok to sit down and relax for a minute.  I tend not to allow myself that. 

The problem with having a day like I did yesterday is that after a super blah day, with the patience that I have lost, I tend to over do the day that follows.  Then I panic when I don't get everything done and I beat myself up more.  So I need to be patient and realize that I can only go too fast.  I guess one thing is that on those bad days I end up reading a few posts on Facebook by those super mom's that get all errands run, cleaning done and they still manage to have a fabulously cooked healthy meal for their families.  The thing is if someone is truly that amazing all the time, great for them, I am not.

So note to self, remember that it is OK to slow down.  In fact, I would say it is necessary.  Give yourself a break and don’t be so impatient if you have a day of nothing.  Don’t let it take over your life like you have in the past.  Remember that you really do need to be able to walk, and walk well, before you can run.  Geesh!  I didn’t mean to have another longer post J thanks for reading.

By the way I had my wonderful husband hide the TV remote from me today so I wouldn't be tempted...

Epiphanies

So I wrote this yesterday, but due to craziness didn't get it posted...

Don’t you love that word?  When I see it written it always looks so wrong!  Then you get to say it and that is so much fun, “I had an epiphany!”  So this morning I would like to say that I had a small epiphany.  Just like when my bed isn’t made, when my room isn’t clean I find it harder to be productive.  The messes in my room are never really hard to clean up because usually the mess is all our clean clothes that need to be sorted, folded and put away.  I do laundry 2 or 3 times a week so we always have clean clothes to wear, just usually we are diving through a giant pile of clothes to find them.

Last night my husband took my oldest to go camping with the scouts, so I decided to let my 2 other kids sleep with me.  After a not-so-restful night I woke up early (cause my body didn’t recognize it was a Saturday, hello!) and decided to jump right in and tackle my mountain of laundry.  I didn’t want to wake them so I proceeded to move the pile to the playroom.  On about the 3^rd or 4^th basketful (of about 7) I had my epiphany.  “What if I didn’t throw my clothes at the foot of my bed to be sorted through?  What if I sorted/folded in the family room or playroom?  That way when I was done they could get put away and I won’t have cluttered up my bedroom…”  Novel idea!

The idea is that if I don’t have that mess in my room I won’t feel as smothered by clutter and perhaps I will be more able to do more with my day.  I figure if I can figure out how to get ALL aspects of my life in order it will be much easier for me to make training be a nice part of my day, not something I need to attempt to squeeze in between chores of errands. 

I have felt so out of control the last few years, there are times I have been able to handle the chaos more than others, but I have always felt I was on the verge of having a psychotic break that would put me into an institution.  And there were times I wanted it to happen so I would be forced to leave.  That was more like me wanting to run away from my problems, hide from them.  I think especially this last year I have put my head in the sand like an ostrich and allowed life to happen around me, not really being a part of it.

So here I am, with my small, silly epiphany, determined this time to face the challenges head on.  In order to do this I need to learn to manage better, slow down and accept my limitations.  Not accept them in the way that I don’t try to push my boundaries, but not allow myself to be so overwhelmed that I hide.  It is OK for me to be human too, OK for me not to be able to do it all, and especially OK for me to take my time to make my dream come to life.