Epiphanies

So I wrote this yesterday, but due to craziness didn't get it posted...

Don’t you love that word?  When I see it written it always looks so wrong!  Then you get to say it and that is so much fun, “I had an epiphany!”  So this morning I would like to say that I had a small epiphany.  Just like when my bed isn’t made, when my room isn’t clean I find it harder to be productive.  The messes in my room are never really hard to clean up because usually the mess is all our clean clothes that need to be sorted, folded and put away.  I do laundry 2 or 3 times a week so we always have clean clothes to wear, just usually we are diving through a giant pile of clothes to find them.

Last night my husband took my oldest to go camping with the scouts, so I decided to let my 2 other kids sleep with me.  After a not-so-restful night I woke up early (cause my body didn’t recognize it was a Saturday, hello!) and decided to jump right in and tackle my mountain of laundry.  I didn’t want to wake them so I proceeded to move the pile to the playroom.  On about the 3^rd or 4^th basketful (of about 7) I had my epiphany.  “What if I didn’t throw my clothes at the foot of my bed to be sorted through?  What if I sorted/folded in the family room or playroom?  That way when I was done they could get put away and I won’t have cluttered up my bedroom…”  Novel idea!

The idea is that if I don’t have that mess in my room I won’t feel as smothered by clutter and perhaps I will be more able to do more with my day.  I figure if I can figure out how to get ALL aspects of my life in order it will be much easier for me to make training be a nice part of my day, not something I need to attempt to squeeze in between chores of errands. 

I have felt so out of control the last few years, there are times I have been able to handle the chaos more than others, but I have always felt I was on the verge of having a psychotic break that would put me into an institution.  And there were times I wanted it to happen so I would be forced to leave.  That was more like me wanting to run away from my problems, hide from them.  I think especially this last year I have put my head in the sand like an ostrich and allowed life to happen around me, not really being a part of it.

So here I am, with my small, silly epiphany, determined this time to face the challenges head on.  In order to do this I need to learn to manage better, slow down and accept my limitations.  Not accept them in the way that I don’t try to push my boundaries, but not allow myself to be so overwhelmed that I hide.  It is OK for me to be human too, OK for me not to be able to do it all, and especially OK for me to take my time to make my dream come to life.